1. You can have the world’s most kick-ass resume.
We both know that I wrote and edited resumes for a living. I want you to have a good, high-paying job. Partly because I love you unconditionally, and also, because I might need to borrow money off of you in dire emergencies and it would suck that you can’t spare me any because you don’t have a job or you have shitty pay. I know you better than anyone else, and it’s only ideal that I write you the most flattering and most effective resume. EVER.
2. Who needs a caterer when you have me?
If you’re up for something tasty and home-cooked, I’m the man for the job. I’ll cook up a storm in your kitchen so long as you have the right knives and equipment. I hate boiling pasta in a wok. And oh. A big enough chopping board. I hate small chopping boards. Make sure you have the basic spices, or I won’t even bother.
3. If our phone call is dropped, you need not call back.
I know I go on and on and on. If our call gets disconnected, you don’t need to call back. I get that you do it on purpose sometimes to get off the phone so that you can do something else more worthwhile than, say, gossiping about who’s having sex with who, or talking about Ryan Gosling’s abs.
4. If you’re sad or heartbroken, I’ll be there for you.
Misery loves company, and I, for one, don’t miss out on any opportunities to talk shit about the person you hate so that you’ll feel better. I will give you a shoulder to cry on, and I won’t laugh when you cry and a snot bubble pops out of your nose. I won’t make fun of your “ugly cry” face.
5. I will take care of your children when you die.
That’s a horrible thought, but it may happen. I’ll be the caring guardian to your lovely kids and they will know how amazing you were when you were still alive. Incidentally, your kids will grow up with an intense liking for show tunes, tattoos and deep-fried Oreos.
6. I’m a text away if you need a drinking buddy.
I love alcohol more than anything, and if there’s an occasion, even if there’s not, you can count on me to be there. If it happens to be your birthday, or a special occasion in your honor, you pay. Otherwise,I promise to pitch in the bill. I’m not a cheap asshole.
7. I’ll marry you when you’re 40, single and incredibly lonely.
Hmm. Get in line. I’ve actually made this pact to several girl friends already.
8. I’ll lie to your parents for you.
I have a way with parents. Parents just dig me. I don’t know why, but folks, especially moms like me as the ideal friend for their children. If you somehow get into a sticky situation and you want me to tell your parents that you’re in my place, enjoying a tub of butter popcorn when in reality, you’re on a secret trip to like, Hong Kong or something, I’ll gladly do that for you, granting that you’re not up to something self-destructive. A little white lie won’t hurt.
9. I’ll get in cat fights for you.
I don’t condone violence, but when the necessity arises and when you’d rather be in the sidelines, watching me smack the shit out of someone who has hurt or insulted you, I’ll do all the grunt work. Forget it if deadly weapons are involved. No, I won’t go that far. Just be sure to shower me with praise and compliment me on my left hook. And nurse my wounds, if applicable.
10. I’ll be your human GPS.
I know you suck at reading maps. I know Manila like the back of my hand. I’ll gladly be at the passenger’s seat and give you sensible and accurate directions, plus some commentary about how hot the dude is in the next car. One condition: I’m in charge of in-flight (er, in-car) music.
11. When you’re desperate, I’ll be your date.
I get it that situations arise when you just can’t bear to walk in a room by your lonesome. I can be your date, yes. Also, I can charm the pants off any company, so don’t worry about dull moments. I won’t embarrass you around the people you’re trying to impress.
12. You can take me for granted.
That’s very hurtful, but I get that your world doesn’t revolve around me. You can ditch me or you can shirk your best friend duties to me, and I’d understand. So long as you make it up with a pint of expensive ice cream.
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